Here is my story...part 1...
I was always the happiest person I knew. I had the best parents, the best church, the best God, the best school, the best friends. I kind of skipped the tragedies that often are associated with teenage years and nothing out of the ordinary happened that I wasn't able to cope with, especially because Jesus was my all-consuming passion and delight. Interestingly, when I was 15 we had a Life Orientation lesson where we learnt about depression and I was moved enough to write this poem:
Dreaded
Evil
Place where
Reality has no face, there
Even the
Sun forgets to shine.
So
I
Only belong in the
Noose.
At the time, I would never have believed that would become an accurate description of me.
When I moved from Durban to Pretoria and began university, I made a few bad decisions that, along with circumstance, saw me withdraw into a lonely storm inside my head. As far as I can tell, my thoughts are what triggered my depression.
I was sad and lonely more often than not and I started believing that no one loved me or truly cared about me. One night in November 2012 I was pretty low and on my desk was a whole lot of 'in case' medication we had bought for my trip to Uganda - I suddenly really wanted to take all of that medicine. I wanted to swallow it as quick as possible so that all my pain would be over. I suddenly really really wanted to die.
Instead, I dug my fingernails into my palms, holding myself back and read the book of Isaiah in the bible and fell asleep.
The next year, I began attending counselling with an on-campus counselor. I actually began the sessions because I wanted to know why I was finding it difficult to make friends.
Up to this point: I had not yet realised that I was depressed. Probably because: it is a gradual downward spiral / I don't put much value on my emotions / I have always believed in being strong, and when you don't feel it, faking it. (Could also be a symptom of depression.)/ I didn't have people around me who had known me for long enough to recognise something was wrong with me. If my parents or brother noticed, they didn't say anything. Emotion and mood are not a high priority discussion topic in my immediate family.
After a few sessions with my (amazing) counselor, I told her about that night in November. She seemed taken-aback and the next session asked me to fill out a questionnaire. I ticked yes to all of the following:
- I feel downhearted and sad
- I have crying spells, or feel like it.
- I eat less than I used to.
- I notice that I am losing weight
- I get tired for no reason.
- My mind is not as clear as it used to be.
- I find it difficult to concentrate
- I am restless and can't keep still.
- I do not find it easy to do the things I used to do.
- I am more irritable than usual.
- I find it difficult to make decisions.
- I do not feel useful or needed.
- I feel other would be better off if I were dead.
- I do not enjoy the things I used to.
- I have noticed a change in my sleeping patterns.
She asked me, do you think you are depressed? In shame and shock, my voice caught as I answered, yes.
TBC
I would never.ever wish depression on anybody and I will never say I am glad I went through that long-lightless tunnel. If you are depressed, my heart is for you and you are in my prayers.
